It happened again! His smiling eyes met mine--the twinkle, the crinkle in the corners just like Daddy’s and for three seconds everything seems so normal. A smile...Tummy full, fresh breeze caressing his cheeks, Mommy’s colorful skirt. Ordinary pleasures made extraordinary when he shares them with me. Sweet deliciousness jumbles with longing, sadness. The communion of laughter, glances, embraces and memories feeds this mother’s soul. Tavani’s together treasure these, Jonathan no less. The Jonathan ache is knowing I can’t evoke that connection, only wait long, wait hard.
Blaise Pascal wrote, “What else does this craving, and this helplessness, proclaim but that there was once in man a true happiness, of which all that now remains is the empty print and trace? This he tries in vain to fill with everything around him, seeking in things that are not there the help he cannot find in those that are, though none can help, since this infinite abyss can be filled only with an infinite and immutable object; in other words by God himself. - Pensées VII(425)
My mind wanders to another who longs. Our heavenly Father aches for the moment when we look into His eyes. He has the power to command our gaze, our love, but He waits. He suffers. He longs. I didn’t understand that ache before. Oh, what an ungrateful child I am when I fail to receive His embrace, to meet His tender glance, to share my soul’s joys and sorrows.
"O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, who kills the prophets and stones those sent to her, how often I have longed to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, but you were unwilling!" Matthew 23:37
God, you’ve done it again. This “weak” one, Jonathan, your gift, has led me. Straight into the loving embrace that alone can soothe this ache. I look into Your smiling face and I am whole.